The Life of Ryan

Can't catch my breath...

2011-04-18T16:01:22Z

...and life keeps spinning.

The Urgency of the Heart

2011-03-06T06:26:32Z

It's been a tough time. Taking care of my mom and my aunt as well as training, adding on LCSW supervision, and, oh, jobs one (the big KP), two (P.A.R.E.N.T.S., Inc.), and three (blogging--not here but here and here), not to mention exercise and trying to keep healthy and alive not to mention physically tuned up for basketball, hiking, racing, and cycling has kept me overly busy.

And I'm in the midst of an eleven day work stretch, which had a super busy Saturday smack dab in the middle of it.

I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm holding my tongue rather than lashing out. It's time for some time off soon--this weekend, then four days off starting next Thursday--but how much of that time off will be mine?

Battling my own selfishness has been an ongoing theme recently.

***

Remembering that I am third--inspired by Gale Sayers's autobiography, at least to some extent--makes things more difficult in terms of behavior, but makes making choices clearer. How do I remember what to do first? That which is of service to my faith, my family, my friends, and then me.

I can make those choices without much thought. I can do what I choose with little difficulty. What I'm having difficulty with is overcoming my attitude and feelings.

Orthodoxy--right thought and speech--is fine, but it's not as important in my view as orthopraxy--right doing.

But right being--which I don't know an ortho word for--would be best of all. Having the thought, the words, the attitude, and the behavior.

I'm not there, not yet. I don't know if I'll get there, but I have a goal that I will. Eventually.

***

My cousin Mike, only 55, died unexpectedly the other day. No one really knows what happened, he was a surfer, and young, so we're all shocked.

I wasn't especially close to Mike, but in a lot of ways, he was like me--or maybe more, I was like him. On the Suenaga side of the family, just about all of the families have one child (me in my case) who is unmarried and watches over--to varying degrees--their parent(s). Kim, Ed, and me now; Mike was one of us too.

Until the autopsy is done, none of us will know what happened to Mike (and quite frankly we still may not have any answers after that either). He may have had some disease that was undiagnosed--or maybe he knew about it and never let anyone else know.

Rest in peace, Mike.

***

I would be remiss if I didn't mention my personal life.

There, I've mentioned it.

(Only kidding).

My birthday came and went and it was celebrated by some awesome friends both from life and online. The Twitter gang and I went to Yogurstory and then a smaller group to karaoke. Missing my pal Lisa--we're still close but tons have changed on both sides--and others, but always glad for new friends.

And I still not only haven't had enough time to open holiday presents fully, I've not touched the birthday stuff at all. I'm three months plus behind in life.

Valentine's Day came and went this year and like usual, the only person I did anything for was R, really, although it was really her early birthday present. And of course not only did I not do anything for Ms. Unreliable, she forgot (or ignored, which I try not think about) my birthday again.

I don't really know if that's better than the year she took me out for my birthday to somewhere she chose that was cash only and didn't come with any cash.

On the other hand, she could remember me a couple of weeks later when her car battery died and she needed help both fixing it and paying for it. Then forget it when we were supposed to be heading over for dinner on a Friday night.

Still wanting her to finish the PhD and just move away.

***

I've decided--like it's a decision--that until my aunt's situation is resolved, no dating (among other "no" items, but that's the biggest one).

I say "like it's a decision" because it's not like I expect that to be tested very much. Let's face it--it's not like every day, or even every year, do I meet someone who I would date. I don't think of my standards as high--whatever that means--but I do think of myself as a difficult match.

Which is unfortunate, and not something I'm sure I actually would like to change.

As usual, I wonder what to think when I encounter couples who have been together for however long. I'm clearly not an expert on this subject--duh--but I wonder if my thoughts about someone I would date make any sense.

I've said before that it's clear to me that sometimes we do a really crappy job at picking who we partner with. I look no further than my friend's desk at work--years after she stopped dating a guy, I met him, and while he's a great guy, in no way is he a match for her.

In no way. Like OMGWTF no way.

And I've experienced this for myself as well. Not just in the OMGWTF was I thinking wake ups years later I discussed last time, but also from friends. Years after having met and briefly dated Geek Girl, two of her former coworkers, on learning I dated her, thought the same six letters above.

OMGWTF

Perhaps I need to change what I would accept. It's clear that what I would accept is… different from most people. Talking to a guy I know very well, when he's asked what kind of lady he'd go out with, it's "Japanese, shorter than me," and not a whole lot else.

Or when I hear other, female friends tell me about some "loser" (their words) guy they dated, they say he didn't have a job.

Isn't that supposed to be part of the screening process? To me, just not having a job would weed someone out right there. But there I am, who not just wants to be with someone with a job, but a particular kind of job. To be of a certain ethnicity and gender and sexual orientation and religion and drive a certain make of car and be financially and emotionally on stable footing.

Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. Because on top of all of that, not only do I have to find her attractive, she's gotta at least be willing to go out with me.

And all that has to happen, all of those things need to coincide, with a time that I'm not overwhelmed in life, like I've been with my aunt recently--among everything else.

That seems pessimistic, probably because it is. But yet, guess what? Perhaps with less stringent demands or less crazy lives, it happens for millions of other people all the time.

It just doesn't happen for me. Or at least not yet.

**

I think about the discussions in Angry Conversations With God on issues like the author's anger with God because he didn't deliver her the life she specified; that God didn't abide by her timetable; that she "married God" only for the success he could offer her, not for the possibility of a horrible life.

I can relate.

I've come to consider myself a very religious person in recent years, and yes, there are apparently some (although not tons) of parallels between Buddhism and Christianity. I wouldn't say I'm angry with anyone but me about some of the predicaments I'm in (although at the same time, perspective is important--after all, life could be much worse, and I am fortunate in many, many ways).

This is my life. For better. Or worse. And not everything is in the better category. But neither is everything in the worse category either. In many ways, I have an ideal life.

Just not in every way.

No matter what I'm brought, I resolve to be grateful and not just to think the right thoughts, have the right intensions, and do the right thing, but to be the right person.

Until next time, in reverence, I remain.

***

And finally, since this is being written on a Saturday, I'm close enough to when it was out to participate in a Friday 5:

1. Dr. Seuss’s first published book was And to Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street!. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve witnessed on your street?

A few weeks back we had a water main break, which I think qualifies as "interesting" (if not just sucky). If I expanded the street definition to the main road, a few months ago, a killing happened just off of it :(

2. In The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, a boy removes his hat to pay respect to the passing king, but each hat is somehow replaced by a bigger, fancier hat. If you’re a hat person, what’s your current favorite? If not, under what circumstances did you last wear a hat?

I cannot recall the last time I wore a hat--for a very brief period of time in high school I tried to make myself a hat person, but that didn't work out, mostly because I have a large head. But if it counts (and even if it doesn't), I wore a bike helmet today.

3. In If I Ran the Zoo…, a boy fantasizes about how fantastic the zoo would be under his administration. What’s your local zoo like, and how do you like it?

I haven't been to the zoo in awhile, but I do indeed like it. It's relatively cheap to visit, and it's really fun for adults and kids. I wish it was larger, but it's decent for what it is.

4. In Green Eggs and Ham, the main character refuses to taste a certain dish until, just to get Sam to leave him alone, he gives in and discovers that he likes it. When did something like this happen to you?

I don't recall this ever happening to me. I guess the closest would be me discovering after years of not liking his music, starting to like some of Rod Stewart's songs.

5. The Foot Book contains a lesson about judging others based on their feet. Feet seem to be something people have widely polar opinions about! How do you feel about feet, and can you think of someone in your life who has especially nice feet?

I feel like, as a diabetic, I would love to keep my feet, and that's a goal of mine. I'm not sure who has especially nice feet, partially because almost everyone I know covers their feet up with shoes (or in R's case, boots).

New Year--Same Stuff?

2011-01-10T07:53:08Z

I get the feeling that 2010 was a year where I gained in some areas and gave ground in others; where I grew up some and just aged in many ways.

It was a year I moved farther away from my Apple II friends--the folks who have stood by me forever, but also many of whom have been shouting me down in anonymous and not-so-anonymous email for years. A year where I moved even closer to the local Twitter community, where I moved ahead athletically, where I traveled to Philadelphia to do the Livestrong Challenge but didn't travel to Kansas City for the first time in more than a decade to go to KansasFest.

A year alone--or rather, another, despite the fact that I'm almost never alone.

***

Ramping up my fitness program--or at least changing it up. I've plateaued both on weight and fat loss, but I'm working on it. Reading Racing Weight by Matt Fitzgerald--only about 1/2 done, so I'll have to renew it to finish--which is both informational and depressing, since my body fat scale continues to tell me I'm between 27 and 29 percent body fat. And why is this book not available (yet) in electronic format?

Makes me wonder just how much body fat I had when I weighed 265 pounds instead of 179.

Pretty pleased with my performance in this morning's run too. Personal record for the 5K--which is, of course, my fastest race of any length. Even though my body fat and weight were essentially identical to what they were three weeks ago, my times in the three mile (just about a 5K) have been getting faster--even though I'm clearly working very, very hard to get those times down.

Next up is an 8K in a couple of weeks.

***

I still haven't gotten all of the holiday presents open. It's not a matter of not wanting to, but of time being an issue--and time continues to be an issue. My aunt is still living with us--my feeling, and her doctor's too, is that she isn't likely to be able to live independently again. So her son, my cousin, is coming back from Massachusetts where he's lived for many years to take care of her, but until he arrives--February? March?--she's our responsibility.

Add to that the fact that I've started having two classes a week again and all of my usual commitments and I just sit down every so often to open a couple of gifts and that's about it.

I'm beat.

***

So one of the two parts of myself I don't like to see--the other part is the jealous part, which I -really- don't like to see--is the selfish part.

The difficulty now is whenever I have to take my off time from work to do something for my aunt (like take her to the doctor's or to her old apartment), I feel incredibly selfish.

I still do what I need to do for her, it's just how I feel.

People, I think, do not understand this. They see the behavior and they say it's generous. And yes, that is how it appears. But it's not enough to do the right thing, I'm finding. The attitude does matter too.

It's kind of interesting--so much of what I do in my work is talk to parents about their kid's behavior, and I so often find folks who believe if they find the perfect punishment, their kids will behave. It just doesn't work like that, so I keep saying that these things only work so much (positive and negative reinforcement), but more to the point--kids are not their behavior. Behavior is just a part of who they are.

Similarly, adults are not their behavior.

Even though this is a country where we consequence negatively only due to people's behavior--no one can get sent to jail for thinking about robbing a bank, they can only be sent to jail for actually planning it, doing it, or trying to do it--my behavior alone isn't enough for me. I have to fix my attitude.

I guess we all have something to work on. I have that.

The other thing to remember about behavior and consequences is that this is what psychiatric treatment plans fall on with untreatable personality disorders. That means it's the last resort.

My behavior is just a part of me. It's pretty decent.

The rest of me, including my attitude, needs to catch up.

***

So another holiday season gone. I, of course, sent Ms. Unreliable a present. I, of course, got nothing in return--which is fine. I also, of course, didn't get a thank you card--which is fine. I also, of course, didn't get an email thank you until today, mostly because I emailed her, which is my every few week duty.

This is still fine, mostly. But it points to my two questions which keep coming up with Ms. Unreliable-But-I-Insist-We-Stay-Friends:

Why insist on being friends with someone but not do the things that friends do? Or is my expectation of friend too high?

It's only a little bit of a time and emotion sink, but it still is one. If for no other reason than…

…ever have one of those times in life when you meet someone who says, "I used to go out with your friend," and you think about this person, and you think about your friend, and you think in your head to your friend, "Just WTF were you thinking?"

That's what I think when I look in the mirror at myself and think about Ms. Unreliable. "Just WTF were you thinking?"

Especially when I figured out a few months in that she had substantial financial issues. For a guy like me to wind up with someone who had financial issues is just unthinkable.

Maybe it was one of those situations where she looked better on paper than she did in real life. "Teacher, part Japanese, part Okinawan, Buddhist family, drives a… Subaru."

Close. On paper.

But not in real life. Yes, just WTF was I thinking?

Or am thinking now. I will bet $1000 she will forget my birthday. Or ignore it, but that sounds and feels a heckuva lot worse than forget does. If we really are friends, then it would feel better to me if my friend forgot rather than ignored.

***

Perhaps it was a discussion about the other Ms. Unreliable with one of my librarian friends who worked with her who gave me the thought above. Just WTF was I thinking when I went out with her was what she thought (and of course, my other librarian friend echoed that). I guess it is more evidence that we (okay, in this case "we" at least means "I") don't really do a great job of picking our own partners.

I guess a lot of how my love life has gone has a lot to do with how I view myself. I know I'm just a guy. I'm not the kind of guy women swoon over; I never have been and at this point it's unlikely I ever will be. It's interesting in the audiobook I keep listening to, Angry Conversations With God, that the other uses that exact phrase or a slight modification to it to describe so many of the men in her life, whether romantically involved or not: "just a guy" or "just a bunch of guys."

At the same time, the author talks about Really Nice Guy, the only guy in New York who asked her on a date but who she could not keep dating because he was too nice and too polite and not dangerous enough.

I relate to Really Nice Guy.

I guess in the same way I relate to Sign Guy (Mark) in Love, Actually.

Did you know that in Family Ties when Alex met Ellen she had a boyfriend? I related to that guy too. And I bet he was also a nice guy.

Or maybe I play a role in life like Gary in Last American Virgin.

From the outside looking in, is it possible to be a bit player in your own life? If so, maybe I am one. I don't know for sure, but I sure as heck don't appear to be the leading man. Maybe I need to be more of a jackass. Imagine how well that plays with the rest of my life.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to be the leading man, even if there are things I desire. I am third--faith is first, the people in my life are second, and I am third. Yet I read things like Donna's blog and how much she loves her husband or Rachel's Tweets about her sweetheart and I think to myself, "I really wish someone would think of me like that."

The question that gets asked that brings Susan to tears in Angry Conversations With God is, "Do you feel loved?"

***

If there's parallels between Susan in Angry Conversations With God and myself, one of them would be what she states before she meets her fiancee: "I was single and forty!" Another would be that at some point she admits to herself, "I may never get married."

Almost a year ago I wrote in this space about some of my younger friends who were talking about when they would get married, no ifs involved. I'm not envious, I'm just not sure I can relate. I don't think I was ever sure that I would (and since I haven't, that might be for the best--imagine my disappointment believing I would all along and it just never happening).

Yet--and I think this comes up because I found out in the last few weeks that Lynn, who, really, would have been the best actual match for me of anyone I've ever dated (yes, Okinawan Buddhist school teacher who drives a Camry, all of those), got married recently--I can't say I didn't have my chances, with her or Deanne, at least (definitely not with one of the Ms. Unreliables). I hold no ill will toward Lynn. She deserves a great guy, and I hope she got one (I don't know who the guy is at all). I just know that that guy happened to not be me.

Would that guy ever become me (or vice versa, I guess--I have to become that guy, possibly)?

I don't know.

I'm not jealous (at least I sure as heck believe and hope I'm not because that side of me is all kinds of ugly), but I am envious, the same way I envy other guys who have great wives and girlfriends--not because I want them, but because it would be nice to be wanted. At least in an appropriate way (I only mention that because one of my clients recently referred to me as "hot", which is [a] weird and [b] inappropriate as well as [c] the kind of thing that worries social workers because all it takes for someone to have their career go in the toilet is for someone to accuse them of something inappropriate happening).

It would be nice to be loved. In that way.

(On that theme just remember my previous entry about how "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.")

***

Maybe I've spent too much time becoming a guy who looks "good on paper", the way I complain that Ms. Unreliable also looks good on paper, but not necessarily as good in real life. Just another play on the theme of being the kind of guy a girl's mother would want the girl to marry.

Doesn't always work out the way we want.

Or at least the way I want.

But it's not over yet. And I'm not a finished product.

That said, it's late and it's been yet another heckuva weekend and I need rest since this week we'll be short at work. So, in reverence, I remain.

Wow, it's Been a Quarter?

2010-11-28T21:07:44Z

Time flies when you're having fun. Or something.

It's been months since I've updated this blog. Not that I haven't felt the need to. My feeling is blogging helps my mental health, as well as helps me document what goes on in my life.

The issue this time is that life has gotten out of hand in terms of management.

Right now and over the last few months I've been training for first the Honolulu Century (done for about the eighth time) and the Honolulu Marathon (about to do for the second time). My marathon training has been going better than expected, but it also means it's taking tons of time.

In the meantime, my aunt was hospitalized and has since moved in with us. At 80, she's having memory issues and may never be able to live alone again. Since she's widowed and her son lives on the east coast, we took her in.

I love my aunt. My family loves my aunt. There's a lesson here for my niece in that we take care of our family.

But man, has it put a serious dent in my life.

I dislike saying that, true as it is, because the selfish part of myself is one of the two I don't like seeing (the other, the jealous part, is even uglier than the selfish part). I've been taking vacation time to take my aunt to the doctor, to her hair appointments, to the bank--whatever needs to happen. Managing her medication hasn't been fun either and there have been errors made--mostly by my mom, who has my aunt a lot of the day--but in general she's improved.

I just don't know if she's going to improve enough to go home by herself--I doubt that more and more each day--and if not, exactly what we'll do.

But it's family, and family might best be described as a bunch of folks who are just trying to figure out a way to make life workable for all of them. Because they have to. And they want to.

***

As much as I hate running--and I hate running a lot--I have to admit its kept as much of my sanity intact as possible. It's stress relief. It's self-improvement. It's a goal I have for myself. I'd like to run longer. To be faster. And when I'm out running, I'm running--successfully if temporarily--from all of these real world problems that are making me crazier.

I didn't think that my life as an irresponsible bachelor was going to mean taking care of two elderly people. But it does.

Irony... is a strong word.

***

To recap:

Got a lot of hate from both folks who hide behind the anonymity of the Internet and friends in the Apple II world about not podcasting and not finishing Melissa as well as not being totally forthcoming with some things I'm working on. Hey, it's a tough world out there, gang. There aren't a lot of Apple II Geeks still out there. This is not helping me want to stay one of them;

realized I haven't had a date--aside from the occasional going out with Ms. Unreliable which really isn't a date--since... 2008?

Ran into the other Ms. Unreliable (Geek Girl) at her campus of employment recently;

got in a weight loss bet with one of the ward clerks at work;

haven't had enough clients to do my two classes a week part time gig in awhile, so just having one a week, which helps with time management but hurts the bottom line;

haven't been stressed about work nearly as much as home.

And that's a few months in a nutshell.

***

I've gotten a lot out of listening to Angry Conversations With God recently, even though I've been asked by many that why as a non-Christian I'm reading it. I tell those folks that even as someone who's not Christian, there are a lot of points I can relate to.

Doing something because you can't not do it;

doing something for fun and for free;

being equally yoked (or whatever the Buddhist equivalent of it is);

and not worshiping because it helps make things work out for you, but because it's the right thing.

I recommend it.

***

And now I'm going to finish eating and run nineteen freaking miles. I hate running.

Does it Really Matter?

2010-08-27T00:36:38Z

Livestrong Challenge Philadelphia was this past weekend and it was an amazing experience, the kind of peak experience everyone needs in life. Suffice it to say, calling it P-hill-adelphia is appropriate and it really is a challenge, not a walk in the park. I finished Saturday's run pretty well, but Sunday's difficult course, inclement weather, and subsequent mechanical which knocked me out with just five miles left is a tough one to swallow.

So tough I'm thinking of going back to Philly to tame that course. I need to avenge that DNF.

***

Tweeted back to me after I Tweeted in disgust about my thrown chain and subsequent DNF five miles from the finish by the amazing @lavagal who is coming back from a significant injury to her Achilles and a cyclist and aspiring runner herself (spouse of the incredible @alohajohn, one of the nicest, most athletic guys I know personally):

"Hugs, Ry! No shame! Your ride for #livestrong is from the <3 HEART!"

Yes, I was laying it all out there. At the end I had just decided I could and would finish this ride after a guy who passed me as I struggled up yet another climb told me, "Don't let those guys take you off the course. You'll have to live with it forever."

And now I have to live with it until I can do another Livestrong Challenge.

But more fuel to the fire--something I've been missing recently with my exceedingly helpful support system--might be useful. Yes, I believe I am in the best shape of my life, but I know I can be in even better shape--and I need to get there.

***

Tweeted to me by my friend @electric_bamboo after my less than enthused end of ride and somewhat more spirited discussion about his company's support of one of my favorite community resources in Hawai'i, HUGS:

"Kudos to you for teaching us all to support good causes."

Did I really teach that? Even among my social circle on Twitter others have been fundraising and supporting worthy causes all along. What was different? I don't know, but it's nice to know that at least one person thinks so.

***

And of course, part of this journey is to remember that the whys of what I do are at least as important as the whats. Livestrong was a great experience for me, but in my world, I am third. The people in my life--the ones who support me and I support back--are second, and they gave me every bit of support I could use. And faith is first--if there's anything that Shin Buddhism has taught me it's that life is about doing the right thing, and helping those who are in need is the right thing.

***

On the other hand, I am constantly challenged and need to remind myself that there is no bad karma and good karma, that karma just is, and to believe that there is a fairness or reciprocity out there that will happen if I just do the right thing--that the right things will happen to me--is just...out and out inaccurate.

The messages at Livestrong Village, heartbreaking and inspiring all the same, tell part of the story. So many good, loved people taken early or fighting for their lives against a disease that just came for them, no matter how good and loved they were. That's not fair--which is one reason I've tried to let that go.

I'm still trying.

Every so often I reflect back on @scrivener's bit about how people just love each other because they do and it doesn't have anything to do with anything else, like who you are or what you do.

I've said it before about how I've encountered battered women in my career who I swear have a death wish by going back to their abuser time and time again. I am not one to judge but I believe this is an example--it has nothing to do with who these men are or what they've done (like beat their wife within inches of a coma), these women keep saying, "But I love him!"

And they do.

That's not fair either.

***

So to add one and one together makes zero--zero sense if I believe in fairness. Great people who are taken too early by a horrible disease and people who are abusive continuing to be loved by those they abuse.

What does it mean?

If there really is no fairness in this world--which I believe in my head but have not totally convinced the rest of me of--then why do I strive to do the right thing?

Only one reason:

It's the right thing.

In reverence, I remain.

***

So, a question that is still in my head after all this time, with all that I said above: is it really possible to earn love? We know in families that love is supposed to be unconditional--that no matter how horrible the kids behaved today they'll still be loved, for instance.

Is that how it's supposed to be otherwise? I used to think not but I may now be less sure. Perhaps it's my own personal experience; after all it's never me who ends up breaking off a relationship--see Ms. Unreliable--and I really don't understand how to stop caring about someone.

That doesn't mean that I would chase endlessly after someone. Again, see Ms. Unreliable with the bizarre learning for me that honestly, it's easier--not better necessarily but indeed easier--to just be bitter. But that said, even though I know it would not work well--see previous relationship with Deanne and seven freaking years of trying to force something to work out--it's not like I can just stop caring. I believe I'm just built that way.

At the same time, what else am I supposed to do? The options are not necessarily better. Yes, it'd be easier for me and a whole lot less painful if Ms. Unreliable just went into a black hole and disappeared forever but that's not likely to happen and the whole reason I maintain that relationship is because she says she wants to stay friends. I guess I'd feel a bit better about it if she would actually act like she wanted to remain friends as well and do things like return calls or emails or answer when she asks me to call or remember birthdays but oh well, she just doesn't (and i scold myself over this because i seem to be expecting fairness). But to get back to the point, if it there is no fairness, then why do guys like me do things like open doors, pay for dates, be the white knight in shining armor?

Why, when we don't get the girl in the end anyway? Because we like pain? Because we want to be placed in the Friend Zone again?

Some would argue maybe, but I think it's just trying to do the right thing.

My Twitter friend @carmillelim blogged awhile ago about what she called "The Nice Guy Standard" and I am still not quite sure what to make of it. It seems to me that on one hand she believes women often "settle" for a "nice guy" and she believes that instead of settling, a guy ought to be nice as a minimum. Yet nowhere in the piece that I can figure out is where those of us who are nice guys (for lack of a better term) are supposed to make any of this work. We're settled for yet we're supposed to be minimums?

So confused.

I guess it would just be easier if some late 30s/early 40s Japanese or Okinawan Toyota driving teacher or librarian just showed up at the temple. Like that'll happen.

So in the end, I don't know if there's anything better to do than what I do now. Just do the right thing. It doesn't mean anything will get better, or work out, or I'll become rich or the world's greatest blogger or social worker or Geek [kind of discouraged about Apple II stuff right now after a less than nice anonymous flame email and then a less than pleasant email exchange about a project I am (was?) working on] or even help me land the right lady friend.

But there's still nothing better to do.

So yes, even though it doesn't matter in terms of an outcome since, repeat after me, there is no fairness, it does matter.

Because there's no better path to follow.

The Stuff Life is Made of

2010-08-01T08:44:49Z

Has it really been more than a month since I last blogged here? In the old days that would never happen, but I guess today... it has.

And this is following another long lapse in personal blog posts as well.

I don't have an explanation for it. Have I been busy? Sure. But I'm always busy.

I read a long time ago that blogging was beneficial for your mental health and I believe it. I've often blogged here out of necessity more than anything else; when I needed it, I blogged.

Maybe I don't need it all that much anymore.

This is not to say all is 100% well, but all is what it is.

***

KansasFest is ~~going on right now~~ over, and for the first time since the mid-1990s I'm at home.

At the same time I hgave a virtual presentation there on Saturday.

I found out that not going to KansasFest is essentially 80% of the stress of not going, because I still have to get a presentation ready, and I have heard--already more than once--the questions about my not showing up.

I chose not to go to KansasFest. I could have gone; I could always go. But I do have to make choices, and it seems to me that fifteen straight years is a lot--especially when there's so many other things I can do in life, like ride 100 miles on a bicycle in Philadelphia to fight cancer.

This is not to say that I don't want my friends there to have a great time, the Apple II to live forever, and KansasFest to go on forever. Maybe someday I will choose to go back again.

Maybe. I hope it's there for me to make that choice.

***

It's essentially August. I'm tired. I'm so beat up from this past week. I substituted on Thursday night at my part time job--they ran out of clients for me for my Tuesday class so I haven't had class then for a few weeks.

The issue? It was Wai'ana'e. Which is fine in and of itself except that's even farther away for me than Mililani, which I already consider a foreign country.

Then on Friday we were short, short, short at work, and I got bombed with what started the day as a possible child neglect case and ended with it turning into a baby with a serious illness. Made me really tired.

Not feeling 100% back to normal even after riding today.

Getting there, I hope.

***

I guess it's time to put in my usual musings about human relationships and my observations and such.

Someone asked me when the last time was I actually went out on a date and honestly, I can't remember. Definitely not in 2010. Maybe not in 2009--there were a few going out times with Ms. Unreliable there, but we were clearly not together anymore by that point. Despite the presence of Ms. Unreliable 2 since... well, maybe that was my last date and that was like two years plus ago.

I did go out with R to eat dinner, but that's hardly a date.

As much as I kid about having low standards, I guess the fact that I have any standards at all means I really don't have low standards. And my standards just might be not the type that other people have. I don't know too many other singles who, for instance, think something like, "I wish X was 10 years older," or, "I wish Y was Buddhist and Japanese instead of Christian and Chinese." But yes, this is the kind of stuff that goes through my head when I meet someone new.

I look at couples I know--or more accurately, couples where I know one of the two really well and don't know the other that well--and wonder, well, WTF? By that I just mean that this seems very odd, like they don't match somehow, but I'm sure all of that is tainted by my own bias. For instance, my boss when I first started working at Kaiser told me when she met her husband her one major criteria was whomever she was going out with had to have--get this--a job.

That's correct, just a job. Not something like me where I meet someone and think, "Wow, if they were a teacher or a librarian that would rock. And if not, well, they're nice people anyway."

And I look at someone who I know really well who has apparently been secretly dating a guy for years, but won't tell her friends nor her parents, and I wonder, "Geez, you're single and in your late thirties, what the heck? If you so much aren't willing to have some guy you've been with for years meet up with the other important people in your life that doesn't say much for the relationship." And what about the guy? Doesn't he wonder what's going on with all of that?

On the other hand, I understand all about accepting a lot. In a lot--but not all, of course--ways I tend to accept a lot. I've never been the one to initiate a breakup--instead, I'm the one picking up the emotional pieces of my shattered dreams. But only after a point. It's like I have a different system of selection than others; it's really really hard to find someone who seems like a match, but then once I get to that point, I'm willing to swallow down a lot.

Which really explains Ms. Unreliable, when I think about it.

Half Okinawan, a quarter Japanese, a quarter haole. A teacher. With a masters degree. Driving... well, not a Toyota, but an import. From Hawai'i. Never married, no kids.

How much closer can someone get to what I look for? A little but not that much more. And once I figured that out and that she liked me -at least a little-, I was off to the races.

And in the end, despite her maddening inconsistency and unreliability, it wasn't me who walked, just like it's never me who walks. Is it because I like pain? Or because I don't want to be faulted? Or because I always feel like there's a way to salvage something rather than just give up and start over elsewhere?

Honestly, I think that... as much as I don't like to admit it or hear myself say it, when it's over, it's easier to be bitter.

I didn't say better, but easier.

At the same time, I'm not sure being bitter gets me much of anything except some spare time and energy.

I was thinking of writing more here, but for now, that's enough.

***

Finally, since Twitter is down, I have a few moments to do this week's Friday 5, props be to @scrivener:

1. When were you last in ocean waters?

Whoa. So long ago I can't remember. I've been to the beach a few times recently but just for running or riding a bike through. I don't have an actual answer for this besides definitely not this year and maybe not last.

2. When did you last fly over ocean waters?

My trip in February of this year to Oakland.

3. What ocean sports activity seems like the most fun?

Hm. Jetskiing? Never tried it, but looks fun.

4. What are your thoughts or feelings about public aquariums?

I like our public acquariums.

5. What are your thoughts or feelings about sushi?

I like sushi but I rarely eat it.

I'm Not...

2010-08-01T07:32:25Z

...dead.

Post soon.

Moving Past It

2010-06-14T22:55:22Z

I haven't blogged much recently here; part of that is just due to being busy, but part of it is also due to being in less of an emotional malaise than... well, maybe than ever.

I don't really understand it.

It's not life has gotten any easier or better, really. Just busy and trying to get things done.

Spending more time with friends, which is probably healthy, but doesn't explain much of anything either. But maybe it doesn't matter.

Maybe I've just reached a point where I'm just over it already. Well, not already, after decades.

Of course, this is all a way to set myself up for some kind of meltdown this week.

***

So R was on vacation this past week, and I guess if there's any one thing I've learned from it is that I'm not nearly as dependent on her being around as I used to be. I'm not really sure exactly why that is, but it is. Maybe my support system is better, if I want to sound like a social worker (which would be appropriate, since I am a social worker).

I'm on vacation now; I was supposed to be since yesterday but the week was wildly busy and apparently most of my coworkers decided to have a cow at the same time, so I just came in, helped a little, and finished up as much as I could.

Now I have to try and get my training back in gear and my life otherwise in order until I'm back at work. This is actually a forced vacation because I'm hitting my maximum in vacation time. So unhappy to have to take it, but let's face it: I can use some time off.

***

What goes on around me? I recently friended one of my old friends from intermediate and high school on Facebook and one of our interchanges included his stating, "
Why is that you've seemed to have grown up and I feel like I HAVEN'T after 30+ years???"

But I'm not sure I'm at all grown up.

I feel some days like an observer in my own life. Very little has changed. I often say that, particularly when a friend of mine graduates and starts a new job (like @usagikisses), how exciting that must be, but yet it's about never happened for me.

1996 was the year I finished graduate school, and the year after I started at the big KP. The day after graduation... I showed up for work.

And so it's been for 14 years now.

That's not a slam on the place I work or the job I have. Just an observation. I remain, in large part, the same.

Is that consistency? Stagnation?

Or just another take on the Buddhist phrase, with reverence, I remain.

***

Since I've been MIA for awhile, I haven't done one of these, but props be to @scrivener, here's the Friday 5:

1. What are your thoughts on “air quotes?”

I use them frequently, although I don't know why. I do remember using them during a speech I gave competitively in high school, and I did not do well.

2. If you are the sort to flip someone the bird, what were the circumstances surrounding your most recent flip? If you’re not that type, have you ever, ever used that gestue?

I can't really remember the last time I did that, so I guess I'm not "that type" (air quotes :-) but I definitely have used that gesture.

3. What’s a gesture you’ve made up, or what’s a gesture made up by (and shared with) your friends or family?

Maybe gestures of kindness, like closing the refrigerator?

4. Are there any gestures that have specific, unique meanings in your workplace

Don't think so.

5. Have you ever received an anonymous gesture of kindness or affection?

Anonymous? Nope.

Reclaiming Myself

2010-05-25T05:52:36Z

It's been awhile since I've blogged in this space (for what it's worth, I know you all know about Uncommon-Cents.net and Athletic-Diabetic.com, so I won't say much more about exactly where I have been blogging), so I'm overdue for a bit here, just like I'm overdue for all kinds of other things.

The truck is a mess. I need to do an alignment, change oil, and change coolant--not done. My training schedule isn't a mess, but it's not where I want it to be. The house is a mess--a huge one. My finances are not a mess, but they're not in their usual kind of order either.

And after Tweeball yesterday, my back is killing me.

***

So I've been iPadding for a few weeks now--got one from someone who was an early adopter then decided he wanted the 3G version, so I got it for a song. So far, so good, but it clearly doesn't replace either my MacBook nor my iPod touch (although my iPod touch is now deceased, so it kind of is, doing a really poor job since it's not pocketable--well, other than in the rear pockets of Tactical 5.11s). It also doesn't really replace my netbook, at least not for content creation (blogging, anyone? Or writing code for that matter).

But for watching movies in bed, it's freaking awesome.

I plan to write some code for this sucker too.

***

We got a new dog the other week, another Humane Society find, this one named Sunny (as per my niece). Personally, I think she's a Korean dog and needs to go by Sung Hee, but whatever. My sister says there are no Korean dogs. Anyway, she's pretty fiesty and is currently beating the snot out of the Japanese Spitz (who I am no fan of).

***

Personally, I am... out of touch with myself.

I must blog more in this space to get back in touch with myself.

And I will.

Small Bits of Nothing

2010-05-02T17:55:00Z

I’m off on Monday. This was an incredibly long week even though it wasn’t necessarily all that hard of one. I swear I was out every night since Monday--Tuesday and Wednesday teaching, Thursday at a Tweetup the @ParkRat insisted I come to (“Just come, dammit!” is his quote), and a party for someone starting a new job on Friday night after a meeting for my part time job.

So thrilled. Actually, just super duper tired.

***

Sunday was the Hale’iwa Metric Century--100 kilometers, which (http://www.lmgtfy.com/) is a hair over 62 miles. Not a trivial ride, but largely flat, and really ended up going better than I expected. Finished in under four hours, which is about as fast I can do for a ride at distance--a bit over 15 mph.

I dunno how I did it.

The reason I say that is because my training as of late has not been all that hot. I’m tired, I’m feeling like I’m overworked even though work in and of itself hasn’t been all that horrible, and I can barely get up at six let alone five.

Need to challenge myself more and fix this.

***

Yesterday for brunch went to Pancakes & Waffles for the first time; very new breakfast/brunch/lunch place in Kalihi near Sugoi that actually services chicken and waffles! Verdict: clean, new, pretty decent food. Gotta bring my own syrup though; the one they served wasn’t doing it for me.

***

Finally, this week’s Friday 5, props be to @Scrivener:

1. What is your favorite red food?

Tomato based sauce for pasta

2. When were you last caught red-handed?

Hm. I can’t remember a time I was ever caught red-handed.

3. What’s your nicest red article of clothing?

My Kikaida golf shirt!

4. Who’s got the loveliest red hair?

Uh... Brittany O’Connell? Tiffany Mynx?

5. What are your thoughts on the 2002 Baz Luhrmann film Moulin Rouge!?

Uh, never saw it.

The Imperfection of the Search for Perfection

2010-04-19T05:45:09Z

I spent quite some time working on my Bianchi tonight. I’ve always liked that bike but it’s never shifted quite correctly; the largest issue recently has been that the derailleur hanger has not been quite straight. Fortunately, since the bike is steel, it takes well to bending, and I think I got that hanger as straight as I could, but no matter what, no matter how much lubrication and adjustment I do, the bike just does not shift perfectly. It shifts decently, but not perfectly.

There’s a certain amount of irony here, with a guy who regularly tells other social workers the words of Randy Pausch--”There’s a reason for the phrase, ‘good enough’,”--a guy who embraces imperfection, spending hours searching for perfection.

Perhaps there’s more to that then I’ve said too, but that might be for later in this post. Or not.

***

Rounding into shape--hopefully not a round shape--because in a week I’ll be in Hale’iwa, riding the Honolulu Bicycling League’s Hale’iwa Metric Century. 100 kilometers--Stephanie would ask, “How far is that?”--which will be the longest ride I’ve done in quite some time.

I don’t know if I’m ready yet. But I’m getting there. And I’ll need to be there on Sunday.

Later that day is the third annual Geek Meet, which I’ll try to make (how beat up am I going to be after the ride I am not yet sure). It was at the first annual Geek Meet that I met Geek Girl, who rapidly became Ms. Unreliable II.

Whether that was lucky or not I’m not sure.

***

This past week was largely my working and being out every night other than Friday--and I could’ve gone out on Friday too, but I was pretty out of it and feeling under the weather. Monday was hanging out with some of my Twitter friends (why everyone who knows myself and Ms. Unreliable II cannot believe we went out is beyond me). I mean, seriously. 38 year old Okinawan librarian who drives a Corolla and is from a Buddhist family is pretty close, don’t you think?

And no, she is -not- a lesbian.

(Bizarre conversation note: Hearing one of our mutual friends say, “Well, she says she went out with some guys...” while I’m right there saying, “Hello! It’s not made up, I exist!” while pointing to myself as far as providing evidence that she is not a lesbian is among the most surreal moments of 2010 if not my entire life.)

Tuesday and Wednesday were, of course, teaching, and Thursday was a funeral for the dad of one of my Twitter buddies.

I am tired.

***

Perfection is at best an unreachable goal--more often it’s a vague one without clear definition. Perhaps there are parameters of perfection--that something that’s like this and that is what we really want. For example, cycling perfection on the shifting front to me is a pair of Silver Shifters from Rivendell--although others would have a very different opinion, wanting Campagnolo Record Ergopower or Shimano Dura Ace STI.

For me, the parameters of someone I would date are well known--so known that at least three of my friends can tell me off the top of their heads (this includes the guy who came up with them): “Japanese or Okinawan, single, no kids, Buddhist, school teacher or librarian, drives a Camry or some other Toyota, or at least a Japanese import, and older than M but not more than say two years older than you.”

Is that perfection? No. But perhaps my insistence limits me.

I dunno. Although it’s not like I’ve ever gone out with someone who’s outside those parameters--but it would surprise me if I did so again.

The very act of searching for perfection is doomed to imperfection.

***

And, since I haven’t done it in a few weeks, the Friday 5, props be to @scrivener:

1. How’s your poker face?

It’s never been all that great. I don’t play the game, but I don’t hide stuff well.

2. When were you last red-faced?

Hm. I don’t get embarrassed often, so I can’t recall.

3. When will it be time for you to face the music?

Next week Sunday at the Metric Century.

4. What’s an issue about which you’ve done an about-face?

I don’t really think there’s any such issues. But I’ll think about it.

5. Who’s overdue for some face-time with you?

Good question without a good answer...

This is a Test...

2010-04-18T07:57:24Z

...of MacJournal.

Let’s see if it works.

A Few Emotional Pieces Out of Place

2010-04-11T08:27:03Z

Still sad about our dog dying. We only had her about six years, since we got her from Humane Society, and we were never really sure how old she was. She was definitely graying and geriatric. She had some trachea problems and had a really bad day on Wednesday but was acting 100% normal the last couple days.

Then she died in her sleep.

Like I said before, it's the way I think I'd like to go, but it's still sad on those left behind.

***

So finally, after months of cancels and reschedules, went out with Ms. Unreliable to dinner a few Thursday nights ago.

On further review, it's likely not the best plan to try to continue to stay friends with exes, I don't think, for self-perservation purposes. On the other hand, I rarely do anything for self-preservation purposes, so maybe that's the lesson here.

There are some ladies in my life who... the biggest issue I have with them is that I like them too much. So I make a conscious effort to avoid them, or at least not get overly involved. So I guess maybe that's what I do to self-preserve. But in Ms. Unreliable's case, it's too late not to get overly involved. I'm already involved. And when I tried to get totally uninvolved, she objected.

But it's tough to maintain that relationship. There's a lot of water under that bridge already, but trying to do the right thing means trying to follow whatever values I hold close, so personal pain isn't necessarily new. And it's not quite the same as it's been otherwise. This is not quite the "what could have been" kind of thing I've had going on before, and it's not the broken hearted or unrequited love thing either. To a large extent I just wonder what was going on when I was thinking when I got involved in all of this.

Or if I was thinking at all.

Perhaps that's the issue with love, and maybe for those of us who struggle with it and try to quantify it, maybe those of us who just think, "Gee, I'd really like to be going out with an Okinawan import driving school teacher who has a Buddhist family and around my age, never been married before with no kids," then we find someone like that but everything else is not as it needs to be. Then we end up in this situation that seemed like it was going to be perfect but certainly ended up not being that, and then... what?

Social workers, like me, are problem solvers by definition. I didn't think by any means I could "fix" Ms. Unreliable--tried and failed so many other times and other ways--but between my "if you start something don't quit" and "do the right thing" and "I am third" philosophies and my professional believe that I can fix any situation, I clearly stayed in that too long. And am still in it, trying to fix and salvage what I can.

And that, boys in girls, is not just how you end up listening to someone talk about how they have no money to go out while thinking, "Gee, you used to go out with a guy who would pay for everything when you went out and you decided no more after a year, a guy who your mom would say is someone to settle down and have kids with, and now you're complaining about how you can't afford to go out anymore to the same guy?"

And that's also how you end up staying for seven years in a relationship where we both ended up worse than where we started.

***

Every week I'm ambitious about getting these backlogged projects done--or at least worked on--and every week I fail. I don't think I'm horrible with time management; I just think I might be overcommitted.

Have I worked on that? Yeah, a bit. At this point I won't take on any new projects unless I give something up. One of the social workers at work was recruiting me--or rather recruiting anyone--to run for local National Association of Social Workers office, but I told her rather clearly that I would only take on something new unless I gave up something.

Life being full... may not be the best plan. There's no question it helps me cope, but I'm almost always feeling overwhelmed.

***

And despite that, I just finished an Apple IIgs program. Take that, haters.

There May Not be a Good Death, but Some are Better Than Others

2010-03-27T16:04:41Z

I'm sad. One of our dogs died, somewhat unexpectedly, overnight. She had been having tracheal problems for some time and had a really hard day on Wednesday, but was looking 100% herself the last couple of days.

On the other hand, I think that's the way just about everyone wants to go: in their sleep, seeming 100%, and then just... gone.

Sad, but a better death than just about any other way.

Small Kinds of Crazy

2010-03-14T07:53:37Z

I'm not sure what it is--a short work week here for me since I was off on Monday and I had CPR renewal with R yesterday afternoon--but it wasn't exactly my best professional week either.

It was all the silly things--like complaints about my office being a mess (it's been a mess since 1996, gang)--that were dragging me down. The kind of week that makes me wonder if the less than nine years I have left at this job will be nine years I can endure (even though I've already endured 14 of them). In the same week one of my former coworkers who is in another branch of the big KP called asking about doing some part time work for them.

I try not to think the grass is greener elsewhere. I don't think I can get a better team, and I have a pretty short way to go.

***

So R took me to eat on Friday night at Kincaids after CPR, which I think was mostly to shut me up after I told her she was full of it a few times within a week (in my defense, she was full of it at those times). I guess I need to shut up now and not tell her she's full of it for a long time to come.

Despite all my complaints, yes, she still is my best buddy.

I wonder if women just stick together or if they really do think alike. When I told @StarletShay about my crazy, "We can go anywhere to eat?" "Okay, how about Olive Tree?" "Oh no, we can't go there," story with the vegetarian Ms. Unreliable, she told me that 1) I don't understand women (duh) and 2) she wanted me to list a few options.

R says the same.

What I don't get--and will obviously never get--is how come she didn't just tell me to give her a few options and she's pick something.

***

I don't know how things will go from here. I still think that the right thing to do is the right thing to do--a conversation on (of course) Twitter where @Bytemarks talked about doing the fun thing versus the right thing brought my response of there being no choice if one option is indeed The Right Thing.

That said, trying to do The Right Thing hasn't really gotten me much of anywhere.

As I said to R on Friday night, I've become not the guy who women want to go out with, but the guy who women's mothers want women to go out with. You know, the guy who has a job and a vehicle and a couple of college degrees and maybe more importantly no significant addictions or divorces or children or spouses in their closet.

But to continue in our theme, if people just lovers because they just do, maybe all of this "do the right thing" jazz is--not for naught--for some other reason. Apparently no matter what I do, no matter if it impresses someone or not, won't win anyone over; this is not the movies, and winning someone over by doing something impressive apparently isn't a real thing. Instead, doing the right thing is its own reward--just do the right thing, not because it'll make someone else happy, but just because it's the right thing. In the end, the right thing is -the- thing.

Maybe I'm too different. Maybe I could just succumb to the calls of midlife crisis and just go buy a BMW to impress people with. Maybe I could just give up all my goals and dreams and plans and give in and buy a Serotta and a Rivendell and just work one job and watch television and just be like everyone else. Maybe that would find me acceptance and love.

Talk about some things that just aren't going to happen.

***

Or maybe, in the end, it's not a matter of being too different; maybe it's just about acceptance. So many people I know are in similar boats to me--yet on the other end of the spectrum there are so many people who just move in and out of relationships as if it's nothing. Then there are those with long established--sometimes even married--relationships who end it and within a few weeks are with someone else.

And I just go on for years being without.

Maybe some of us were just built to be by ourselves, because we have another purpose. Not a greater purpose, just another one.

***

Finally, as it's a weekend, one day late, props be to @Scrivener, this week's Friday 5:

1. When was the last time you had a serious deadline to make, and did you make it?

I have serious deadlines every month, usually for one of my two jobs. I always make it plus or minus two days :-)

2. Do you generally plan for deadlines, or are they more likely to sneak up on you until you’re frantic?

I always plan for deadlines, but the plans don't always work. For instance, one of my current plans--paying my GEICO bill, which is due on the 15th--hinges on American Express closing this month's statement on the 12th or the 13th. It hasn't closed yet!

3. When did you last set a deadline for someone else, and did that person make it?

I set a deadline for my student to tell us what she was going to do her inservice on last week and (again) she didn't make it.

4. How flexible and understanding are you when it comes to other people meeting your deadlines?

As long as it doesn't cause adverse effects elsewhere, it's fine. It doesn't thrill me, but whatever.

5. What were the circumstances the last time you hung up on someone in the middle of a phone call, or the last time someone hung up on you in the middle of a phone call?

I hang up on people at work all the time because the phone cord is broken and frequently disconnects :-)

(What Would I) Give Up?

2010-03-07T07:21:03Z

The week was long and overly full. The post-pseudonmi weather (pseudonami is my first ever accepted Urban Dictionary definition) sucked, and the wind has made cycling and running difficult. Parties this week (including social work month on Friday night) have got me eating less than healthily, but more than sufficiently--and it's not the best thing for me.

I'm definitely feeling the stress, which is interesting because really, work has not been awful, but my shoulders and neck have been constantly tight. What is that about?

My Project 365 has been going okay; we're more than 1/6 of the way in, and I haven't fallen off the wagon yet. On the other hand, the truck is a disaster and the house is a disaster. I got some code written but haven't finished a project.

Life remains busy.

***

To, again, use an Archie Manning reference, one of my favorite Sports Illustrated articles ever, "The Patience of a Saint," almost thirty years ago, following a 1-15 disaster of a season in New Orleans discusses and quotes Archie and why he didn't want to leave the Saints:

"Ever since last season ended," he says, "the number one question people ask me is, 'Why don't you leave? Why don't you get out of here?' It's kind of hard to explain. I've put in 10 years here, this team, this city. My kids are happy in school here, my wife is happy in New Orleans. Sure I want to win, but I want to win here, in this city."

So the question then becomes, in a way, what would I give up for (fill in the blank). Perhaps it's like what Lori (the nurse, never a romantic interest) asked when she questioned me by saying, "If you met the love of your life but she lived in Montana, would you move there?"

My answer, "She can move here."

What would I give up for love? My guess is that someone looking in on my life would think, "That loser would give up anything and everything," and of course, I am not exactly an impartial observer in my own life, but I would disagree, and disagree strongly.

I can run down a quick list in my head:

Would I give up my religion? Freaking forget it.

Would I give up my career? Nope, not happening.

Would I move? Possibly. I would definitely move out of the house, but I would be really resistant to moving out of Kane'ohe, because I absolutely cannot trust anyone else to take care of my mom (in addition the commute to work is fabulous).

Would I quit my job? Very unlikely. I'm hoping to retire there, but retirement is not that far away--February 1, 2019.

Would I stop cycling? Be serious.

Would I change the way I dress? Uh, much to the chagrin of everyone, my guess is no.

Would I become more of a spender and less of a saver? Possibly, but not a whole lot more of a spender.

Would I give up my friends? Nope. Been there, done that, talk about a total freaking poor choice. Took me years to recover from that.

Would I stop blogging? Not happening.

Would I stop coding? Hm. I mostly have stopped because I just don't have time for it, even though I do get the occasional program written.

So on further review, there isn't a lot I'm willing to give up. Perhaps I'm just like my friend Ann who wants to meet the guy of her dreams and makes every attempt to do so by staying home every weekend and watching television. Yeah, I want to meet someone new, and I make all these efforts to do so by pretty much doing all the same things that have failed for all of these years.

Well, mostly.

Or is making the choice not to give up much mean that I'm essentially giving up, period? That I won't bend over backwards for someone else and instead expect them to bend over backwards for me?

Food for thought.

***

I'm at work this past week when J, the speech therapist, asks me if I'm going to ask out our mutual friend.

My response: "Uh, she's kind of young for me, I think."

Like fifteen years younger.

Her response: "That's not so bad."

I'm not going to say it's -bad-, which implies some kind of value judgment (hey, people are just as old as they are, and they can't really change that), but it's clearly outside what people call their "list" or "requirements" or whatever--what I guess I called a "type" a few posts ago.

Sometimes people think I'm really steadfast about this stuff--I admit I have serious preferences, and I also admit I sometimes use that "type" as a way to explain away answers to "why don't you ask such and such out?" queries without having to get into the details ("Uh, sorry, not Japanese/Okinawan/teacher/librarian/etc.")--but I'm not.

In fact, things just kind of ended up being about this "type" without my thinking about it. It wasn't like (well, when I was younger, anyway) I intentionally looked for teachers who drove Camrys to go out with--it just kind of happened.

But these types, lists, requirements, whatever they're called, exist for a reason, and that reason is because we see patterns in who we're attracted to. There's too much common history between a certain amount of ladies I've dated for me to deny that it's the kind of person I'm attracted to--and patterns help to make things more predictable.

Usually.

But yes, there are certainly reasons. I can't imagine being with someone 15 years younger than I am, because there's just not enough common history there. Is that someone who ever saw an Apple II? Who watched Magic and Bird play? Who remembers a time before the tech bubble, the housing bust, a Bush or Clinton or Obama administration?

This is not to say I don't find someone attractive if they were, say, everything of my "type" and younger; in fact, physically that would likely be -really- attractive. But in the same way that there are just lines people won't cross because they just won't, that's a line that, for instance, I just won't.

So is that a reason I'm single again, still?

Maybe. I wouldn't cross it out if it was on a list.

***

Finally, after this ridiculously long winded entry, props be to @Scrivener, this week's Friday 5:

1. Of all the hundreds of sizes and shapes bread seems to come in, what is your favorite?

At this point I would say any, because I eat almost no bread anymore due to my diabetes. I can say some of my least favorites, though: I don't like ends, and I don't like pumpernickel. But that's about it.

2. What’s your favorite thing to eat with rice?

Argh. Something else I've largely had to give up. I actually like to eat almost -anything- with rice: meat, broccoli with butter, chili. I'd say most recently I had some edamame rice at a party that I loved, but the sugar in it probably loved me too much.

3. What are your feelings about milk?

Not a fan. I use Silk branded low carb soy milk when I need milk.

4. What was wrapped in the tortilla you most recently ate?

This is a tough one to remember. I would say it was the contents of the potato burrito at BC Burrito in Kaimuki, but I'm not 100% sure.

5. How many staplers are there in your house and where are they?

Two and in the house ;-)

Bitter Tasting

2010-03-01T07:57:07Z

Despite everything, I am not bitter. Or at least, I try not to be.

Which is difficult because I can only control my behavior, not my feelings.

There's a picture I sometimes show my friends when they ask what Ms. Unreliable looks like. I have one in which she looks great. In fact, I sometimes show it to people saying, "She doesn't really look like this, it's the best picture she's ever taken," and I realize that I sound pretty bitter when those words leave my lips.

I would still hesitate to say that I am bitter, because mostly, I get along just fine and dandy. I have more friends that I see regularly than at any time in my adult life. I am in the best physical shape I've ever been in. I make more money than I ever have. I have more money saved up than ever. I have a roof over my head, the best road bike I've ever had, the best running shoes I've ever had.

I guess how sometimes you never have enough--today is sometime.

***

Continuing to expound on my ongoing theme. In our previous episodes, I waxed non-poetic on @Scrivener's online journal posts on how we don't love someone because of what they do, we love them just because, and all of my tangential thoughts and feelings on that.

Interestingly, I didn't figure this out for myself. I say a lot that my experience with Lynette was, in large part, the universe making fun of me, or at least teaching me a lesson, the lesson being that several years after Deanne got married, when I got to the point of saying, "Just let me find somebody who likes me a little bit and I can show them how wonderful I am," I had that opportunity and fell flat on my face.

Because my idea at that time of showing Lynette how wonderful I was included late night calls just to say goodnight, flower deliveries, jewelry, dinner almost every night out... you name it. I did a lot to show her how wonderful I was, but yet in the end, even if what I did was showing her what I wanted, she didn't love me, at least not the way I wanted. Just because.

Not because of anything I did, not because of who I was, not because of who I showed her I was inside, but just because.

Yet I didn't figure out from that experience what Mitchell put down so succinctly. Yet I ought to know--I teach this stuff all the time. Behavior != the person. Parents love their kids unconditionally, but they may not love their behavior any given day. Their behavior is not them, even if it's done by them. You know how there are people who are horribly mistreated by their partners yet they keep coming back, saying, "I love them!" time after time? While many of us--including social workers--shake their heads in disbelief, these people are telling the truth. They do love them. With all their hearts. Their partner's behavior is, to us, intolerable and untenable, but the behavior isn't the person.

I guess it's a matter of how much people are willing to put up with, what they'll allow people to do and still stand by them. Perhaps those people who stay with partners despite behavior that others find untenable are the ones who can clearly see that the person and the behavior are not the same thing, but they keep hoping that the person can overcome their behavior somehow, because only if they stopped _________ (fill in with hitting, drinking, using drugs, cheating, gambling, or whatever unacceptable thing you can think of), things would be so perfect.

I, on the other hand, fall on the other side of the equation. It's not a matter if someone will put up with my behavior--well, aside from my lack of style in dress--it's a matter of whether someone will love me enough to just stick around for awhile.

At least at this point, anyway.

***

Seven years. The length of my on again, off again relationship with Deanne (met in college science lab when we were both aspiring educators) was seven years. Unfortunately, they were seven really critical years in my social development, from 19-26, and by the time that was done, my high school friends had disappeared, my classmates had largely graduated, and I was left behind in so many ways.

Lots of pieces to pick up, and only myself to hold responsible for that.

For what it's worth, while I take responsibility for that relationship with Deanne, I take exactly the proportion of it that I'm supposed to: 50%. Could I have done more to make it work? I hope so. Deanne didn't go elsewhere because she didn't care--remember my previous rambling on the quote, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have"? Deanne actually loved me the way I wanted.

But I think my behavior was unacceptable to her (heck, it ought to have been) and lots of her behavior was unacceptable to me. Still, I tried to work it out, because, as many of you have discovered, I'm willing to accept a lot.

Unfortunately, she couldn't quite accept as much as me, or I was worse behaved than she was. I think the latter is a distinct possibility.

***

So maybe the big question, to tie all of this up, is if how much we're wiling to accept someone's otherwise unacceptable behavior is linked to how much we love that person?

No answer for that at this time. Remember, it's the big question.

And I'll think about answering it without bitterness. With reverence, I remain.

Circles Don't Save Time

2010-02-27T11:02:09Z

Classic words today from R after a lot of whining, discussion, complaining, and whatever else about going to eat at her favorite restaurant tonight with some of my Twitter friends--"I don't want to be compared to (Ms. Unreliable)."

Never thought about it before, but I guess the shoe size is close. The discussion at hand was, since she ended up not wanting to go after being maybe for awhile telling me, "I'll take you out to dinner." At which point I said, "I've heard that a whole bunch of times, and it's never happened, so I basically think it's shibai."

Of course, shibai being the Japanese slang term for bullshit.

She obviously doesn't want that to be the case, so she promised how she really meant it.

Manipulation is not necessarily evil, just what people do to survive.

This is not to say that R is as unreliable as Ms. Unreliable--I'm not sure anyone can be that unreliable--but certainly, doing what they say they're going to do is something I like in a person.

So anyway, I just took her home.

Moving on, with nothing more to say about that.

***

I swear I learn from the past but I'm starting to question if that is true. I don't like to see my jealous side--I hate to admit it even exists--but there are times I see glimpses of it, flashes of it, even if jealous is too strong a word. Perhaps envious might be better.

I see my friends who move out of years long relationships to new ones within weeks of each other. I realize that as a social worker I'm often trained that the time between old and new relationships is supposed to be a year at minimum, but it seems I may be the only person who actually believes that is true. Heck, less than a year after his wife died, Fat Cyclist is getting married again.

In that time, I've been alone and alone.

Moreover, I wonder if I've been moving in circles. From Lori to Lori to Deanne with side trips to Diane and Lianne, then the long journey to Lynette (which I swear just the universe's way of mocking me), Lynn (years later, so close, yet so far), then Ms. Unreliable, Ms. Unreliable 2, and whomever else... am I going backwards? The lady I feel most attracted to now is not just too young for me but essentially the original Lori in so many ways. Makes me wonder, if that's the case, is the second coming of Deanne just a few years off? And if so, would that actually make any sense whatsoever or would I just be better off sharpening the end of a broom handle and stabbing myself through the chest?

That's not all that much of a joke. I would be better off dead than wasting another seven freaking years of my life in a learning experience.

Especially if I'm not really learning.

Going in a circle isn't evidence of figuring this thing out.

***

Long ride in the morning and it's already 1 am. With reverence, I remain.

As opposed to...

2010-02-26T06:52:57Z

Props be to @scrivener, this week's Friday 5:

What’s something you do more quickly than most people?

Write. It's how I maintain three plus blogs.

What’s something you do more carelessly than most people?

Recently, bicycle. For really lame reasons I've fallen twice in the last week. I'm not hurt, just dumb.

What’s something you do more slowly than most people?

Run. I turned in a putrid performance at GAR. Trying to do better in April's 10K.

What’s something you do more carefully than most people?

I think I code more carefully than most coders. I spend a lot of time working on things and testing what I've done over and over again before moving on.

In what contexts are you more patient than most people?

With my relationships--which has likely cost me years if not a decade of my life.

Anonymously Personal

2010-02-22T07:39:19Z

I think that, while I will definitely maintain this blog, I am going to start an anonymous personal blog somewhere, maybe Posterous. This isn't because I intend to stop blogging here--far from it--but because I know lots of people who read this blog and sometimes if I feel a need to blog about them, it can get rather... sticky.

For instance, R reads this blog periodically and she tells me to write nice things about her.

Hard to write honestly when that kind of stuff happens.

But I'll still be here.

***

Perhaps I need to clarify: when I blog it's not necessarily because I want or need help or I think whatever it is I blog about--whatever trial I'm going through at that second--would make my life perfect if it worked out. I think everyone knows by now, life isn't perfect.

However, it helps me get my head clearer, my feelings out, my thoughts in order--it's like meditation in some ways, but with a bit of an audience.

This is not to say don't comment or respond or whatever, just that I'm not always looking for answers. Because many times, there aren't any.

***

Been giving my last entry a lot of thought and it's pretty clear while I got something out, I don't think I got out what I really mean. Gonna give it a second stab, but it might not be any better than the first.

What I'm really talking about is how little control we all have, over anything and yet how much we try to control things--maybe not everything, but at least something. If there's one thing we have control over it's ourselves and I'm not even sure we have all that much control over that--look at how addictions come into people's lives and destroy them. And maybe the key to dealing with all of that is just acceptance.

So much of what I do professionally is about trying to get people to regain power over themselves. So much of what I do personally is much the same. All those miles on the bike? They're to make me fitter, faster, stronger, sleeker. Goals are an extension of the effort to have some control over circumstances. To say, "I will weigh 165 pounds by August 22nd," and make it a goal with other steps is the way to break it down and work on it.

This is not to speak negatively about doing such--heck, I do it--but just to realize what it is: it's an effort to get a positive consequence through behavioral changes. To do that is the opposite of acceptance, or maybe at least an offshoot of it, since I guess denial is the opposite of acceptance.

Those are all changes to try to get a different outcome. But when does an attempt at change become manipulation? To try to impress someone by acting the way you aren't?

Is it me or not me to pick up the tab whenever I go out with someone? To open doors? To give thoughtful gifts? To write thank you cards? To bring in dark chocolate at every turn? To go to service, to write programs, to listen to podcasts and record same, to blog, to run, to bicycle, to bon dance, to photograph? (I hope) I don't do things--any of them--to impress anyone else, I do them because they're what I'm supposed to do.

At least that's what I hope.

If I have a hidden agenda, then my intent is not true and sincere, and if it's not, then maybe it is just manipulation, or an attempt thereof. And if that's how it is, then maybe I don't deserve a positive outcome.

***

And onto the work week. With reverence, I remain.

Crack, Crunch, Creak

2010-02-19T07:27:09Z

That's the sound of my neck today. Due to some weird scheduling at work (but at least my coworker actually did work for me on Sunday to return my favor for filling in for her while sick the previous Saturday) I worked 12 out of 13 days, then had Sunday off when I went to the Great Aloha Run Expo and had lunch with @typezero3 (yet another Geeky Asian Ryan), Mrs. @typezero3, and @typezero3.5; shot some pics; did a bike ride, and prepped for Monday's Great Aloha Run.

Where I did way worse than I was thinking I would. The story is up at Athletic Diabetic, but I still have no answers. Just an off day? I dunno. I hope so.

In the meantime, I have to catch up on just about everything in life. The house is a disaster. The truck is a disaster. Even the bike is just kind of limping along.

Four days off... will help.

***

The long work stretches don't really kill me. What kills me is I can't get stuff done that's not related to work and it screws up my training schedule. I'm not holding that responsible for my poor GAR showing, but I'm sure it didn't help.

In the meantime, between traveling to Oakland and the weird work stretch I fell off my diet wagon too and I'm climbing back on. I'm working on it, but when I can barely keep the truck clean enough for human use in between working both jobs and training, it's hard to get enough done.

But I'm recovering, being off today. That is helping, tremendously, and it's only day one.

***

Can my mind override my heart? I'm trying, but I'm not sure I'm having any success. I often tell my students in class how they've been learning parenting from their parenting through modeling often for decades, and how 20 weeks of parenting class from Ryan isn't going to change everything they learned in many years of modeling. However, that doesn't mean they don't have a free mind and free will to make decisions and change.

So I'm trying.

I now try to see behavior in someone I like beforehand, and steer myself away if I find them to be unreliable, for instance; there was someone I met online who I thought was just incredibly attractive and sweet but has unreliable written all over her so I intentionally went in a different direction). That was, in these regards, a success of sorts.

But the issue is that, at least in my world, I am almost always attracted to a "type".

I've written about that before--the Japanese and/or Okinawan Buddhist schoolteacher or librarian who drives a Toyota. There's not a lot of deviance--Ms. Unreliable is a Japanese/Okinawan/Haole schoolteacher who drives a Subaru; Ms. Unreliable II is an Okinawan kind of Buddhist librarian who drives a Corolla.

I could go on. I won't.

Reading back into @scrivener's online journal (notice I refer to that a lot? That may be because we're more similar than I might want to admit--bachelors around the same age on an island in the middle of the Pacific with master's degrees in helping professions.) I recall (even though I can't find it now) a reference something like, "We just love people because we do."

For awhile I was really not sure what to make of that. I'm not 100% sure now I do know what to make of that, but I think I have some idea.

When I work with someone who is, say, a victim of domestic violence who goes back to her (I hate to stereotype but the vast majority of times the victim is indeed a female), my job is clear: be a mirror, show her as much as I can what other people see and hope she can make the best decision she can for herself. Yet many times--the majority of the time--the decision that gets made is to go back to her abuser, even if I don't think it's the best one.

Maybe, to some extent, like I have a "type" I'm attracted to, the victim has a type as well.

And in addition to that, maybe what someone does doesn't really matter all that much to the people who love them, if, in fact, we just love people because we do. It might be like the unconditional love a parent has for a child--that no matter how horrible their behavior, we'll love them anyway. Maybe it doesn't matter how well we treat someone else, or how much we care about them, or what we do for them, or that we treat them like a prince or a princess (or on the other end of the spectrum, a slave).

It makes me wonder, then, about my whole goal in life of being virtuous (again, for lack of a better word). If people just love you because of who you are and not what you do, then does it matter what I actually do? I guess only to the extent that it makes me who I am. So it brings back home the idea that outcomes--doing something because of what it'll get you in the end, whether it's your own idea of "good karma" (according to my sensei there is no such thing) or winning someone's affection--might not really ever come into play.

That the only reason to do something is because it's what makes you you.

It certainly didn't matter to Ms. Unreliable (or any in a string of previous unreliables) whether or not what I did was something virtuous or not. Perhaps I need to keep that in mind: we love people just because we do, not because of what they do.

Someday, maybe, someone would love me just because they do.

Maybe.

***

Finally, this week's Friday 5, props be to the aforementioned @Scrivener:

1. Be honest: what are some rules you have for yourself that don’t really make much sense?
In the theme of this blog, to many people, the "rules" (so to speak) that say I only date Okinawan or Japanese Buddhist schoolteachers or librarians who drive Toyotas.

It might be a nonsensical "rule", but it's my "rule". Although I'm not sure it's a rule.

2. What rules of questionable sense did your parents have for you when you were young?

My dad was one of those "if you're not five minutes early you're late" kind of guys. Do you know these people? Are you these people? Drove. Me. Nuts.

3. What’s a rule most people (if not all people) seem never to obey?

The speed limit!

4. There are no rules governing the giving and receiving of Valentine’s Day gifts, but what rules should there be?

Gifts are to be given only between people in a relationship already. No trying to create a relationship on Valentine's Day with gifts.

5. If the Golden Rule says you should do unto others as you’d have others do unto you, what would the Silver and Bronze rules say?

Silver: no television
Bronze: be reliable!

Or maybe in the reverse order.

I Don't Hate Valentine's Day, I Just Wish it Didn't Remind Me of So Many Failures

2010-02-07T07:09:00Z

Yes, that is the absolute, heart on my sleeve truth about the big V day. I don't mind the day or the idea behind it at all (Hallmark and the florist trying to make a killing is just business), just the fact that it's one large reminder of what a big fat failure I've been in this area of my life.

Honestly, as I've said before, I really don't mind failing. It's just feedback as to whether or not what I'm doing is working. But this area of my life is different. In other areas, I fail, I get back up, I figure it out, and eventually, I succeed.

Right here, it's just fail, fail, fail, fail. Even this short year it's been fail. The librarians introduced me to someone and encouraged me to ask her out--fail.

And of course, to make it better, I'm working on that day and on call the whole week, and as a bonus, because some unnamed social worker who tends to be sick a lot--a WHOLE lot--is now sick again, I get to work tomorrow (Saturday) as well without any indication of whether or not that social worker will cover for me at some point.

As much as I try to just do the right thing, it doesn't always feel like it pays off.

On the other hand, I know just how much luckier I am than so many others. I am grateful, even if I don't always act like it or feel it.

***

My trip to Oakland was apparently the perfect excuse to fall off the workout and diet wagon. Still, things are not so bad--so far I've done a couple of runs and a ride after my not-so-successful 10K race last Sunday, and my weight is a reasonable 186--and hopefully to get better.

On the other hand, today's unplanned for work day means that once again, I have to squeeze in a long ride and a long run on Sunday. And a library run. And service. And reports.

It kind of sucks. Again. But it's what I've chosen to do.

***

So, for my critics who tell me that I actually need to answer the phone (I hate the phone), I will say this: I never tell people (personally) to call me. I tell them, on the other hand, not to call me--to SMS me, to email me, to Twitter me, maybe (probably not) to Facebook me, but never to call me, because I won't answer. And guess what? I don't answer.

That's reliable.

On the other hand, for someone to send email that says, "Call me," then when I call, I get the message they'll get back to me as soon as possible, and more than 24 hours later, there's no return call/message/email/SMS/Twitter/Facebook/whatever, uh... what's the point?

That's unreliable.

***

So I was rereading a conversation I had in email with a female friend awhile ago about... well, what was it really about? Was it about Ms. Unreliable? Was it about telling me to take a hint and walk? Was it about how there's a difference in communication styles between men and women? I dunno.

And yeah, I'm still not sure what the point was, besides a difference of opinion which to me... well, everyone's entitled to their opinion... yeah, I still don't know.

But it's ringing in my head for some reason.

The point I think my friend was trying to make is that it's very hard to just tell someone who might be interested in you, "I'm not interested in you," and instead to do it in subtle ways like not returning calls or ignoring email or many other similar things. I, on the other hand, maintain (to this day) that to do something like that is, for lack of a better term, chickenshit. And on top of that, it's incredibly unkind.

Folks, if someone is interested in you and you feel like you need to let them know it without crushing them, the way to do it is to tell them. Don't beat around the bush. Don't give them weeks, months, or years of hope for no reason. Tell them, be kind about it, and both of you can move on.

Awhile ago, as I sad above, the librarians wanted me to ask out their friend, whom I met at a night out. So I did. And she promptly turned me down.

Guess what?

That didn't make me happy, but it was quick, it was clear, it was clean, and I can move on.

I think that, several years later, had Ms. Unreliable and Ms. Unreliable II just done that from the start--or even after, say, a week or two, or a month or two--I could have not wasted freaking years of my life. But I guess if they were reliable I'd be calling them Ms. Reliable (or, to play on something I told one of my Twitter friends about her Mr. Reliable Who Got Away, The One(s) That Got Away) instead.

Lynn, for all of her faults, at least was clear when it wasn't going to work out, and guess what? I moved on. I wasn't thrilled and I was wounded, but clean wounds heal well. On the other hand, way too many years were wasted on Deanne and the will we/won't we/will we/won't we carousel of insanity that went on.

I'm 43 now. I don't think I have years more to waste.

***

Finally, after a hiatus, let's take a look at this week's Friday 5:

1. When you come home from a long day of whatever it is you do and your brain is totally fried, what therapy do you normally seek?

Sadly, typically food, although a lot of quiet is at least as helpful.

2. Of the myriad of desserts made primarily of fried dough, what is your favorite?

Hm. Oddly, I would have to say McDonalds Chicken McNuggest--although I'm not sure that really counts.

3. Most fried foods are best right out of the fryer, but what’s a fried food that you enjoy cold?

I can't think of a single one, sadly.

4. What’s the most unusual deep-fried food you’ve ever tried?

I'm not too adventurous on this. I haven't tried deep fried ice cream or Twinkies. Aside from that, uh.... I take a pass.

5. Where can you get really good French fries?

The aforementioned McDs. Cheap too.

Is the Outcome the Reward?

2010-01-31T04:01:37Z

I'm tired. Oakland was kind of fun and seeing/eating with @flowwithrho and @with0ut1nk was great. Didn't work out enough--just once--and was freaking cold and spent a bit more money than I wanted to, but United and SFO didn't suck nearly as much as they usually do, although being at HNL at 5 freaking fifteen am is not my idea of fun.

Now on the way back home. Kind of wish I never left in the first place.

***

So I jumped on the plane on Wednesday and by the time I landed there was suddenly an iPad. While I have yet to see one in person--of course, not for sale yet--I'm thinking that in a lot of ways it would've been a better device to have than my iPod touch and MacBook combination on my trip.

We'll see, but I'm pretty interested. Still low on the list of stuff to get right now.

***

There are times I wonder if outcomes have become too much the focus in life. Yes, I realize I'm goal oriented--more so than most people--and I'm almost always planning. "Follow this training plan, drag your fat rear onto the bike four or five times a week, stay out there until you get in enough miles at the proper intensity and you'll be able to ride a century without keeling over." "Save this much money in these funds every year and don't mess with it and you'll have enough to retire early." Those are, in a generic way, my goals, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't keep my eyes on the prize and work towards it.

At the same time, so many other things in life are centered around success that maybe I would never accomplish, and goals that are more vague are populating various villages in my life. I remarked on Twitter not long ago that I wanted to be a better photographer and @scrivener, more my contemporary than I often care to admit, pointed out that it was a remarkably vague goal for me, one without a quantifiable measure of success.

I agree he's correct, but at the same time, I'm not sure this is one of those areas where the goals I've set for myself traditionally are the ones I want now. I'm doing more photography; I have a photoblog for my Project 365 this year and one month in I'm still getting original work up. Is it the best in the world? No. Am I going to be a professional? No. But I am improving and I'm learning more and more.

Maybe it's an example of the journey being the reward.

***

If someone demonstrates faith, at least in this country, and that faith proves without fruit, then the faithful are seen as losers. This, paraphrased from the aforementioned @Scrivener's online journal.

I often got the impression during my way too long relationship with Ms. Unreliable that my friends thought I was a nutcase (this is not unusual) because I had faith that this would somehow work out (not unusual), that if I gave it everything I could something positive would come out of it (also not unusual).

In the end, it didn't work out (not unusual) and something positive did come out of it (not unusual) even if wasn't really what I wanted or expected (also not unusual): I learned that this was not going to work out and I could move on. It wasn't the something positive I wanted, but it was something positive nonetheless. And I learned something more about myself (what has been known in the past as a Learning Experience), even if it wasn't necessarily something I wanted to learn. So, was I a loser for having faith?

Besides the fact that it's definitely myopic to see a loser or winner in yourself, I tend to think no. Without faith, what do I have? The alternatives all seem worse, so I'm not exactly inclined to go there, and faith is in line with my core values--those nasty things I just won't change. So even if people believe that I'm essentially with the IQ of Forrest Gump because I do what I do, it doesn't matter: I'm doing what I do because it's what I'm supposed to do, and if things don't go the way I want, then they don't.

And yes, maybe I'm more Forrest than anyone else, and Ms. Unreliable was just another in a long string of Jennys. Yet even Jenny eventually found redemption, even if it took illness and death for that to happen, and Forrest, if nothing else, ended up being a financial success, a war hero, a great philanthropist, a fantastic athlete, and a great friend, father, husband, and son.

So let's not write Forrest--or myself--off too soon. Not even forty three years later.

***

I realize I've done more personal blogging recently than I have in awhile and there are reasons for that. No, it doesn't have to do with the upcoming Opposite of Valentine's Day or whatever that will happen on February 14, but it does have to do with how my love life has gone or not gone. In the last year (thanks mostly to Twitter) I've met more people than I have in decades--certainly since graduate school and probably since undergrad--yet, for whatever reasons, things haven't worked out. I realize I'm the common thread in all of my relational failures over the years, yet I choose not to give up.

Some call that stubbornness; I just call it being steadfast. I guess I have, in this way, become more like Archie Manning with the Saints than I thought I would ever be: just like he wanted to win but he wanted it with that team, in that city, I would like things to work out, but I'm not changing careers, jobs, residences, hobbies, styles of dress, taste in music, sports, friends, or Geekiness in order to do so (okay that's at least somewhat of an exaggeration, but I'm definitely not changing my values to do so). And while I don't think I'm picky in general, I sometimes say things that show I am, even for a lamer, pretty damned picky--maybe I don't know myself as well as I like to think I do ("I wish I knew an older single version of w. I wish I had met x fifteen years ago. I wish y was ten years older. I wish z was a librarian or teacher. I wish a drove a Camry."). In the end, really, all I want is for someone to love me the way Donna says she loves her husband and for me to love them back the same way. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe it is. Remember: Archie didn't win with the Saints either, but in the end while he didn't get what he wanted, but he got something else that might be better: two sons who are Super Bowl winning quarterbacks. So even if the outcome isn't all you desire, it's not the only way to see the situation you end up in.

And on that note, in reverence, I remain.

Forty three, 301, and Still, With Reverence, I Remain

2010-01-28T07:04:32Z

I turned 43 on Thursday. In social work years, that's 301. In Kaiser countdown, that's 9 years and 10 days before retirement.

I got moved way beyond officially old quite some time ago.

So R didn't totally blow it on my birthday--she told me she ordered me something that didn't come yet from she and M but ended up giving me cash instead (so confused)--which was nice, better than the year she didn't remember at all until after the work day was over (weird), and knowing her whatever she ordered is something she actually wanted rather than something she would think I would want so she can probably use it for herself. Then a bunch of the Honolulu Twitter community decided we'd Tweetup for my birthday and after finding that Little Oven was closed (talk about being a victim of their own success) we settled on Satura Cakes, right next to a location where a Pau Hana event attended by many of the local Tweeters was, so lo and behold, over 30 Geeks showed up to sing happy birthday at Ward Centre. That was surprisingly nice. As were all the still unthanked greetings on Facebook and Twitter.

And on Saturday (Shokudo fail!) about ten of us ended up at Ryan's for my birthday too. And had a quickie dinner with @scrivener and @sophielynette for my antisocial satisfaction on Monday before picking up a new set of bike wheels which seriously reduces my bike needs to a cassette and a headset as well as just some general maintenance.

In the meantime, for the second straight year, Ms. Unreliable flat out forgot. I wish I could say that didn't bother me, but it does. It doesn't bother me so much for the obvious reason as much as because I thought I had gotten beyond actually caring about reciprocity in any kind of relationship. If I achieve the kind of (for lack of a better word) virtue I aspire to, it wouldn't matter to me if she did much of anything--including ignore me--I'd just do what I felt was best and in line with whatever I believed. And quite honestly it's not about anything material, it would just be nice if she actually remembered. She doesn't.

Despite all of that, she still insists she wants to be friends, and the frustration for me is that if you really do want to still be friends, then doing the kinds of things friends do--like return calls or emails or remembering their birthday--would seem to be expected.

The disappointment in all of that is not that I'm disappointed in her--that would imply that I actually expect, against all evidence, for her to make some effort around these issues--but rather that I'm disappointed in me--for not having gotten to the point where I have no emotional dependence of any kind on relational exchange.

I guess in that way I hope that I may at least at some point be a decent candidate to do some of what Fatty did with his now late wife Susan--for years as Susan suffered from the horrible cancer that eventually took her life and gradually took away more and more of her abilities, including the ability to care for him, Elden did everything he could to take care of her. Not that I want to be in that position--or have anyone else be in that position--but isn't that one of the ultimate expressions of love? For your love for someone else to be the reason to do everything for that person even if they can't do anything in return for you?

Food for thought, or for feeling.

And at this point, so much for that birthday. I have great friends. I do not have great luck with my personal growth around the complications of this relationship with Ms. Unreliable--so far.

***

Not a fan of flying, so I'm here with my MacBook in the air over the Pacific, about an hour into my flight, working on my personal blog. At least I've figured out a few of the hacks, like wearing a jacket with tons of pockets in it and when hitting TSA to just put everything in the jacket and take off the jacket to pass through security. But I still think flying coach is for size four women, and I'm still not a size four woman.

Not really a fan of Oakland either. Or San Francisco International. Or driving on the continent. Oh well.

***

I am embarrassed to admit that I am not only behind on birthday thank yous (handwritten and virtual) I am also behind on opening birthday presents, Christmas presents(!), and Christmas thank yous.

On this front, I suck. The guy in the mirror is fully responsible and needs to get on it.

***

One of my new Twitter buddies recently blogged about "The nice guy standard". It's an interesting read but I don't find it sitting correctly with me. I'm still not sure why and I've read it a few times. This is not to criticize her or her post, but rather to work through my own thoughts and feelings while reflecting on it, and I'd like to thank her for the post--I always love adding the blog of someone I know to Google Reader.

I deny being a nice guy; I think of myself more as another guy--just another guy, as I often say. Hopefully not the other guy, as in C&K's unappreciated but sometimes heart wrenching The Other Man, although I'm sure I was that for a few of the way too many years of the D era. I can possibly relate more to another of my online friends and her persona in her old blog of a few years ago--the male version--but not quite that either. But still, the reality is that I am a single guy, and if I aspire to at some point not be a single guy--and for all my many, many failings (see Lori, Lori, Lynn, Lynn, Lynette, D, Lianne, Diane, Ms. Unreliable I and II, and many, many other starts and stops), I do aspire to that--what else am I supposed to be besides what C calls "the sweet, stable, all-around good guy"?

It makes me wonder.

(And let's be honest here: that many failings suggest that there's an issue here--a common denominator in all of those relationships--that is right in the mirror.)

Perhaps just being the best I can be--doing the best I can do, doing the right thing at every turn, sticking to my values, persevering, being steadfast, sacrificing, being kind, setting goals and reaching them, sacrficing short term gratification for long term gain--isn't the way to go if I'd like to stop being the single guy.

Maybe just being virtuous isn't the thing to do if that's where I'd like to be.

That being "the sweet, stable, all-around good guy" is not enough. But to me, that's the only thing that hitting my goal of being virtuous would make me.

At the same time, I've had a few Twitter discussions with another friend who is a wonderfully positive person--pretty much the opposite of what I am, and many of her posts, both on Twitter and on her blog, are about being happy and the implication is that it's not just her goal to be happy but that it's a universally held goal of everyone. Which it's not, because it's not a goal for me. This is not to say my goal is to be unhappy or there's anything negative about having happiness as a goal, but rather that my goal is to be (again, for lack of a better word) virtuous--to do the "right" thing, the thing that falls consistently in line with what I value and what's best for my faith, the people in my life, and me, in that order, whether it makes me happy or not.

Unfortunately for me--and "me" is the third person or group of people I consider in making decisions--if it's not enough for someone else that I'm the way I am and I'm doing everything I can to meet my own goals, there's nothing in me that would be willing to give up being virtuous for a goal of being happy, whether that's a successful relationship with someone else or not. I won't choose my own desires and goals--my own happiness--over doing the right thing. I might as well try being Jewish, or a pro basketball player, or African American, or liking Windows, or doing social work with non pregnant people who are older than 17. So if it's a choice between the two, I have to choose being virtuous, because that's what I was born to do.

I can't give up my goal and priority of being virtuous for a goal of being happy. Just can't.

It's just not in me.

[In a way it reminds me of a discussion I had (which I may have blogged about here) over birthday lunch (hers, not mine) a few years ago with M when she was dating someone (who I have since met and consider a friend) who she thought didn't make her first priority due to school but felt like if that didn't change after his degree it was all over (this was when I was still with but having increasing issues with Ms. Unreliable, then referred to in this blog and elsewhere as SF) and I told her that I could never imagine being someone's first priority, that to me, the highest I would think I could be was second, because faith is first and the people in your life is second. I don't know if that showed a difference in maturity between the two of us--possibly I thought that then but now I question whether that's accurate--or if it just showed a difference in perspective.]

I guess that means that my only hope for having something work out ~~again~~ is that it'll be enough for someone else for me to be who I am, the way I am, rather than for me to give up what I am and what I do to make myself more desirable for someone else. That sounds more extreme than what I mean--it's not as if I wouldn't give up some of my less attractive habits (don't even think about my wearing shorts that aren't Jams though), but I couldn't stop being Buddhist, or a cyclist, or a social worker, or a volunteer, or a caregiver for my mom and niece, or a parent educator, or (fill in the blank) if it really mattered, because it would be giving up what I believe--what makes me who I am. That if all I am is a sweet, stable, all-around good guy, since I really believe that is what I can be at best if I hit all of my own goals, that it'll have to be enough for someone else for anything to work out.

If it's not enough for someone else (preferably a mid 30s to early 40s Japanese/Okinawan single childless female teacher or librarian who drives a Camry or Corolla) for me to be an early 40s Japanese/Okinawan Buddhist social worker Geek and blogger who drives a Tacoma and takes care of his finances and his family, then I just have to accept it's not enough, and either change some of those values that are so core a part of me--which is not likely--or just accept that it ain't gonna be enough.

If I have to stop raising money to fight cancer or doing social work or reading or being an Apple II developer or blogging to educate people or trying to spread the word about fighting diabetes or making coffee for friends in the afternoons or practicing the Nembutsu, I may as well stop being me. Remember when I got involuntarily moved off the pediatric floor at work? I wasn't unhappy because I got moved--I was holding on by my fingernails to the work I was born to do, the person I was born to be.

Because it's just not in me to be something else.

Food for thought, and for a forty third year, with reverence, I remain.

To the 'Hood

2010-01-27T14:05:13Z

I leave for Honolulu International Airport to fly to Oakland in a few minutes via San Francisco. Actually, on my most hated airline to my most hated airport in a great city to travel to a dangerous one.

Back later.