And this is following another long lapse in personal blog posts as well.
I don't have an explanation for it. Have I been busy? Sure. But I'm always busy.
I read a long time ago that blogging was beneficial for your mental health and I believe it. I've often blogged here out of necessity more than anything else; when I needed it, I blogged.
Maybe I don't need it all that much anymore.
This is not to say all is 100% well, but all is what it is.
At the same time I
I found out that not going to KansasFest is essentially 80% of the stress of not going, because I still have to get a presentation ready, and I have heard--already more than once--the questions about my not showing up.
I chose not to go to KansasFest. I could have gone; I could always go. But I do have to make choices, and it seems to me that fifteen straight years is a lot--especially when there's so many other things I can do in life, like ride 100 miles on a bicycle in Philadelphia to fight cancer.
This is not to say that I don't want my friends there to have a great time, the Apple II to live forever, and KansasFest to go on forever. Maybe someday I will choose to go back again.
Maybe. I hope it's there for me to make that choice.
It's essentially August. I'm tired. I'm so beat up from this past week. I substituted on Thursday night at my part time job--they ran out of clients for me for my Tuesday class so I haven't had class then for a few weeks.
The issue? It was Wai'ana'e. Which is fine in and of itself except that's even farther away for me than Mililani, which I already consider a foreign country.
Then on Friday we were short, short, short at work, and I got bombed with what started the day as a possible child neglect case and ended with it turning into a baby with a serious illness. Made me really tired.
Not feeling 100% back to normal even after riding today.
Getting there, I hope.
I guess it's time to put in my usual musings about human relationships and my observations and such.
Someone asked me when the last time was I actually went out on a date and honestly, I can't remember. Definitely not in 2010. Maybe not in 2009--there were a few going out times with Ms. Unreliable there, but we were clearly not together anymore by that point. Despite the presence of Ms. Unreliable 2 since... well, maybe that was my last date and that was like two years plus ago.
I did go out with R to eat dinner, but that's hardly a date.
As much as I kid about having low standards, I guess the fact that I have any standards at all means I really don't have low standards. And my standards just might be not the type that other people have. I don't know too many other singles who, for instance, think something like, "I wish X was 10 years older," or, "I wish Y was Buddhist and Japanese instead of Christian and Chinese." But yes, this is the kind of stuff that goes through my head when I meet someone new.
I look at couples I know--or more accurately, couples where I know one of the two really well and don't know the other that well--and wonder, well, WTF? By that I just mean that this seems very odd, like they don't match somehow, but I'm sure all of that is tainted by my own bias. For instance, my boss when I first started working at Kaiser told me when she met her husband her one major criteria was whomever she was going out with had to have--get this--a job.
That's correct, just a job. Not something like me where I meet someone and think, "Wow, if they were a teacher or a librarian that would rock. And if not, well, they're nice people anyway."
And I look at someone who I know really well who has apparently been secretly dating a guy for years, but won't tell her friends nor her parents, and I wonder, "Geez, you're single and in your late thirties, what the heck? If you so much aren't willing to have some guy you've been with for years meet up with the other important people in your life that doesn't say much for the relationship." And what about the guy? Doesn't he wonder what's going on with all of that?
On the other hand, I understand all about accepting a lot. In a lot--but not all, of course--ways I tend to accept a lot. I've never been the one to initiate a breakup--instead, I'm the one picking up the emotional pieces of my shattered dreams. But only after a point. It's like I have a different system of selection than others; it's really really hard to find someone who seems like a match, but then once I get to that point, I'm willing to swallow down a lot.
Which really explains Ms. Unreliable, when I think about it.
Half Okinawan, a quarter Japanese, a quarter haole. A teacher. With a masters degree. Driving... well, not a Toyota, but an import. From Hawai'i. Never married, no kids.
How much closer can someone get to what I look for? A little but not that much more. And once I figured that out and that she liked me -at least a little-, I was off to the races.
And in the end, despite her maddening inconsistency and unreliability, it wasn't me who walked, just like it's never me who walks. Is it because I like pain? Or because I don't want to be faulted? Or because I always feel like there's a way to salvage something rather than just give up and start over elsewhere?
Honestly, I think that... as much as I don't like to admit it or hear myself say it, when it's over, it's easier to be bitter.
I didn't say better, but easier.
At the same time, I'm not sure being bitter gets me much of anything except some spare time and energy.
I was thinking of writing more here, but for now, that's enough.
Finally, since Twitter is down, I have a few moments to do this week's Friday 5, props be to @scrivener:
1. When were you last in ocean waters?
Whoa. So long ago I can't remember. I've been to the beach a few times recently but just for running or riding a bike through. I don't have an actual answer for this besides definitely not this year and maybe not last.
2. When did you last fly over ocean waters?
My trip in February of this year to Oakland.
3. What ocean sports activity seems like the most fun?
Hm. Jetskiing? Never tried it, but looks fun.
4. What are your thoughts or feelings about public aquariums?
I like our public acquariums.
5. What are your thoughts or feelings about sushi?
I like sushi but I rarely eat it.